How to Handle Unwanted Answers Like a True Professional
When working with Moving Questions, something fascinating happens when you ask a question. You release a question into the space between you and others, hoping to spark movement where things have become stagnant. But what happens when the response you receive isn't what you expected—or, more challenging still, isn't what you wanted to hear?
This is a pivotal moment in the practice of Moving Questions. It reveals whether we're truly willing to allow movement or if we're subtly trying to control the direction.
The Four Layers of an Answer
Before we discuss how to handle unwanted answers, it's important to understand that when someone responds to your question, they're communicating on four levels simultaneously:
1. Content: The actual words they say
2. Tonality: How they say it
3. Non-verbal signals: Their body language and expressions
4. Energy: The underlying feeling or intention.
These layers exist in a hierarchy. For example, if the content says one thing ("Yes, I'm fine with that") but the tonality suggests another, the tonality wins. If the body language contradicts both, the body language wins. If the energy feels entirely different from all of these, the energy wins.
You experience congruence when there's alignment across all four layers. When there's misalignment, you sense incongruence—and this is often where the most valuable information lies.
The Uninvited Guest: The Unwanted Answer
When you ask a moving question and receive an answer you didn't want or expect, your first reaction might be disappointment, resistance, or frustration. This is where your quality of presence is truly tested.
Moving questions invite this kind of movement. The question you ask is an invitation. The question itself does not provide direction or content. You don't assume a particular discourse or model when formulating a question.
Here's what to do when faced with unwanted answers:
1. Notice your bandwidth contraction
The first reaction to an unwanted answer is often a contraction of your bandwidth—your access to your full capacities and energy. You might feel your breathing become shallow, your shoulders tense, or your mind narrow its focus.
This contraction is valuable information. Instead of pushing past or ignoring it, acknowledge it. "I notice I'm contracting in response to this answer."
2. Remember: It's Not About the Answer
When using Moving Questions, the answer is not important. You ask a question and then something happens. From the moment you ask the question, an answer comes. That answer is not so important, and neither is what happens next. What happens between asking and answering is what's important. That is where you notice the bandwidth increasing again.
The power of moving questions lies in what happens in the space between asking and answering. The answer itself isn't the goal; the movement that occurs is.
When you receive an unwanted answer, shift your attention from the content of the answer to what's happening in the system. Is energy now moving where it was previously stuck? Are new connections becoming visible?
3. Recognize your attachment
If you're disappointed by an answer, it reveals that you were attached to a particular outcome. In the practice of Moving Questions, this attachment limits the possibility of genuine movement.
It helps enormously if, when asking questions like these, you think, "I'm curious to see what will happen." If you sit hoping for a "yes" or "no" answer, you limit the potential for growth. That's a waste.
4. Practice detachment
One of the most powerful stances when working with Moving Questions is what I call "onverschilligheid" in Dutch—a kind of healthy detachment. It's not indifference, but rather, freedom from preference.
You say, "I'm curious about the answer. It doesn't matter much to me whether an answer comes because it wasn't about that." Then, the answer can be the most powerful.
This detachment allows you to be truly present with whatever emerges without filtering it through your expectations or preferences.
5. Look for the gift
Every answer, especially the unwanted ones, contains valuable information. When someone responds in a way that surprises or challenges you, ask yourself:
What is this answer telling me about the system?
What connections are being revealed?
What new perspective is being offered?"
I once worked with a leadership team that had been stuck in conflict for months. I asked them a seemingly simple question about their vision for the organization. The response I received was angry, defensive, and completely off-topic. Instead of dismissing this "unwanted" response, I explored it further and discovered deep fears about the organization's financial stability that no one had been willing to address.
The paradox is that "unwanted" answers are often the most valuable.
The beautiful paradox of Moving Questions is that the answers you least want to hear often contain the most valuable information. They point directly to what's stuck, hidden, or avoided.
In systemic logic, you work with connections. One way to do so is to zoom out. Here, you draw from another source when you use cognition. That source is called phenomenological observation.
Phenomenological observation means being present with what is without judgment or agenda. It means receiving all answers with equal curiosity and openness.
Practical Tips for Working with Unwanted Answers
Breathe and expand. When you feel yourself contracting in response to an unwanted answer, take a deep breath and consciously expand your bandwidth again.
Acknowledge the answer without judgment. "Thank you for sharing that. That's interesting."
Get curious about your reaction. "I notice I'm having a strong reaction to this answer. I wonder what that tells me."
Ask a follow-up question that opens up the conversation further: "Can you tell me more about that?" or "How did you arrive at that perspective?"
Look for the pattern, not the problem. Ask yourself, "What pattern might this answer reveal?"
Consider timing: Sometimes, an unwanted answer indicates that your timing is off and the system is not ready for the movement you're trying to create.
A Final Thought
In the practice of Moving Questions, there are no truly unwanted answers, only answers that challenge us to let go of our attachments and open ourselves to the movement that wants to happen.
As you work with Moving Questions, practice receiving all answers with equal curiosity and openness. The more you can detach from your preferences about how things "should" go, the more powerful your questions will be.
Remember, you're not responsible for the answers you receive, only for the quality of your presence, the clarity of your intentions, and your willingness to accept whatever emerges.
What answers have you been resisting? What movement might become possible if you welcomed them fully?
